Thinking...

I've been thinking alot. Most of which are REALLY crazy stuff. Some of which are very sensible. Though some of those sensible stuff will never happen.

Will things ever get to go that way I want them to be? I hope that it will, but will I be able to make it happen? Haha.

I wish to be better than him AND him... I've never met you before, but I wish to be better than you, and the ones before you. I want to be the greatest. But will I be able to make it happen? That will have to wait for my children to be born to see.

I believe that anything can be achieved if you believe in yourself and in the thing you want to achieve. Belief is something that everyone needs to have. Without it, they will fall.

Do you ever get that feeling where you think you should reconsider your decision for something? And when you find yourself changing your decision, it costs you something big? WELL, I have.

This morning, I was confused on why I decided to stop in the first place. Not because I lost interest, no. If that were the case, I would have stopped alot of other things. Maybe it's because I dont wanna lose ever again. Because Im scared of being beaten by someone of 'lower level' than me. Because Im scared of being embarassed. Because Im scared of being more and more absorbed into it to the point of no return. Because Im scared of changing into somebody Im not. I realized that I quit fighting, only because I was scared. And nothing else.

I will continue to fight. Bet on it, guys. And next time, Im not gonna be scared of anything. Im gonna go in there, give it my all, and show him who's boss no matter win or lose.

Someone very dear to me brought my spirits up this morning. I owe much more than just this to you though, hope I'll be able to return all that you've done for me. Thank you.

SO! Adam Lambert is coming to town. Am I going? That depends. Mum says yes, money's ready. Tickets depend on a certain best friend's mom. Haha.

Im addicted to loving you

AYO!

Is an awesome song. By SHINee. Haha.

Anyways, sorry for not blogging lately. Have been quite busy with the accounts project. Which reminds me....



WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Im FINALLY done with it! AWESOME RIGHT? And IT'S BALANCED!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!

Dont have much to say. Just wanted to blog about me finishing the project. Haha.

All this is thanks to Ashikin Aidura! Seriously, I couldn't have done it without you. Thanks for your project! SO needed it. Haha.

And thank you to all those who supported me through the project. Your efforts were NOT wasted. Haha

I just want you to know how I feel

I dont know what's wrong with me today. I feel really weird. I have so many questions that I want to ask you, yet Im scared to ask them. Haha. But oh well, guess they're questions that I dont need to know the answer to...

I've always thought the moon was an amazing thing. But ever since I was 8 or 9, I've called her Lady Moon. And I've tried my best to catch her every night. There has never been a night where I didn't look for her. I find the lady amazing and beautiful. She lights up the darkness of the night, she brings people home and seeing her at her full makes me happy. Why am I suddenly saying this out of nowehere? Because I think YOU, are more amazing and more beautiful than anything and anyone I have ever met. Call me naive, call me stupid, call me crazy, I dont care! You might not believe me when I say this, but you are amazing and beautiful. More than Lady Moon. And you should know, that Lady Moon has never lost to anyone in my eyes before. Besides my mom of course. Haha. But you, you've changed me. I dont care if people say that Im different and all. Because face it, IM HAPPY! For the first time in a long time too. I haven't sulked for a month, which is a very long time for me. And it's all thanks to you.

When I see you, my heart races with time, making the world around me slow down. When you leave, I feel like holding you in my arms and never letting go. When Im with you, and only you, I feel like I have nothing to hide. No secrets to keep. When Im not talking to you, I actually go through physical discomfort. Weird? I believe so. But most importantly, when I see you I think to myself: There's the most amazing person I have ever met.

So tell me, what did you think of me that night, when I sang to you under the night sky while Lady Moon was watching? What did you feel? Because I've never seen you with that smile before. And I want to see it more.

I wont let anyone crush your world. I will make sure you keep smiling, one way or another. I want to see that beautiful smile that you allowed me to see. That one smile which makes my fire burn high up to the sky.

Most of you already know who Im talking about. Most of you would think Im naive, or crazy. Afew of you even said that Im gonna get myself hurt. Even I think that when Im older, I'll be laughing about my words now. But I dont care about that anymore. If I feel this way about her, then Im gonna make sure the world knows how I feel about her.

So I wanna tell you now. That I want to make you as happy as you make me. I know I can do it. And I will do it. Somehow. That's a promise I make to you. And I won't take no for an answer. Haha

If you see my girl,

Just tell her I miss her smile.

And tell her I love her.

A great day that started with a great morning

So today I went to Rachel's church for service, if Im not wrong, that's what it's called. Watching her play made me feel weird. Haha.

Honestly, I DID feel a little lost. But it was fine after Declan reached there. Thanks Declan. Overall, the morning started off great. I believe everyone should understand why. Haha.

When I walked home, my parents were out. My sister was sleeping. Had the house all to myself. Studied abit, then went to the com. And yes, I DO study. Just not alot. My attention span for self studying is VERY low. When my mom came back, she gave me the best news she has ever given within the past 4-5 months I believe. She told me that my uncle's family is coming over. So that means my cousin sisters, yes, the ones who are ALWAYS right about me, are coming over lunch. They know EVERY aspect of what's happening in my life.

I love them alot. Haven't really had the chance to spend much time with them lately cause they're always busy with college and uni and stuff. So their timing to go back to Nilai is always not in sync with my family. Hope I get to talk to them later. It's gonna be FUN! Hehe...

OH OH!!! I FINALLY FOUND MY PHONE'S HEADSET! After 3 months of searching for it, I finally found it! It was in the pants which I wore to the service this morning! I only noticed it was in there after I emptied my pockets but still felt something. Then I realized that it was there! In that one pocket, FOR 3 MONTHS! Even went into the washing machine though... But they still work fine! Haha. Amazingly, both my phone and headset are VERY water-proof. Considering that I've dropped my phone into pools, ponds, rivers,etc quite afew times before. So yes, my day is going well.

Best part of it all, Im starting to lose that stupid fear. Im gonna make it. I know I will. And knowing that I have people behind my back is gonna help me through this.

Time to cook. Need to show my cousins that I cook BETTER than ALL 3 of them! MUAHAHAHA!!!!

My fear is taking control

Im scared. Im scared that I cant become what you want me to be.


Im scared that I can't make you proud. Heck, Im scared I cant make ALL of you proud.

Making wishes might be pointless. But I still want to believe that there is a point in wishing on a shooting star, a birthday, or whatever occasion.

My fear is really taking control of my mind. Im scared of the future. And Im starting to want to live in the past. I dont know how to get rid of it. And I dont know whether getting rid of it will help.

Will getting rid of fear make things easier for me? Will I be able to do what you wish for me to do? I hope so. Because I know, I have to do it. Or else this wont work and it'll fall apart.

Paranoid? Maybe...

I wish everyone on Earth had more time. Time to do things they never got to do. Time to tell their loved ones how the feel. Time to enjoy life without a single worry. Time to make their lives better. Time to spend with their loved ones. Time to change for the better. Simply put, I wish everyone had more time.



It sucks to know that one day, your loved ones will have to leave you. You might not necessarily be left alone, but the ones that leave will leave a giant empty cave in your heart. When that happens, will you be able to withstand the pain and emptiness? I definitely wont be able to.



It sucks to know that one day, you will have to leave your loved ones for other loved ones. If possible, I never want to do that. But I know, the chances of that happening is almost zero. What if the loved ones you leave end up leaving this world while you weren't around? Would you regret your decision to leave them? Would you wish for more time to spend with them? Would you wish you got to at least say 'goodbye' to them? I would.



I wish I had more time. Because frankly, I need to change myself. How I deal with things. How I treat my own flesh and blood. How I treat my friends who I had been longing to make for so long.



So in conclusion. I would love to say that I love you guys. You know who you are. And I know, one day, I will say it to you in person. And I want you all to know, that I appreciate everything that all of you have ever done for me.

I wonder what's wrong with me... I worry about you so much.

And I always worry if Im good enough. Haha. Stupid right?

When you're not ok, I wish I could make your problems go away.

Yet it's very obvious that I can't.

How can I ever be what I wish to be for you?

Guess I'll just have to try harder.

I dont need a replay,

I just need the time of a replay.

Cant stay away from you

I have totally lost my voice for the time being... This throat infection is starting to piss me off. Im fine if I cough like some 90 year old dude, or if I cant sleep at night because of the coughing. BUT IT TOOK MY VOICE AWAY!!! ARGH!

Im pissed not because I cant talk, but because I cant sing nor could I shout back at my sister when she started throwing a fit at me over a small piece of cake... -.- So all I could do was just talk like normal and try to calm her down, which wasn't very useful. She ended up trying to destroy my lunch, which she didn't succeed at. I now wish she did though, because lunch was awful...

SO! Yesterday, I rushed back from Nilai to go to 2 Raya open houses. One was Yasmin's and the other Arshad's. Reached home at about 1.30 and I rushed everything. Cut myself twice or thrice while shaving.

So when I got to Yasmin's place, talked with her for awhile then Zoe and Esther popped up and Yasmin went to talk to some other friends. While the 3 of us were talking, I think Esther suddently asked: ' OMG! You both planned this out isit?!' Of course, I had no idea what they were talking about until Zoe pointed behind me. When I turned around, I saw her. This amazing beautiful girl who I am SO crazy about. It took me afew seconds to snap out of that dreamy state of mine. Haha. Then I realized what Esther meant... We were wearing the same color... Roughly lar...
BUT anyways. Victor kept annoying me at Yasmin's place. So after I ate, Rachel, Jo Yee and I took our leave. Sorry Yasmin for not staying longer. Would have stayed another 15-30 minutes, but Victor was annoying the crap out of me... Sorry...

So after Yasmin's place, the 3 of us went to Arshad's place. Got the same questions that I got at Yasmin's place... Ate abit, then went to the library. Played Monopoly City. Got quite bored because nobody really understood this game at all. The rules were slightly different and even though Arshad was playing, we had to depend on Gavin to explain to us bit by bit. I ended up being the only player without a property at a certain point for 3-4 turns... So yeah, I was the loser. We got bored of the game later on and stopped the game. In the end, we looked through some of Arshad's baby photos. SO CUTE!!! Like damn epicly cute. Right, Arshad? Hehe

Everyone went back before 6 except me... My mom took a whole hour to leave the house, so yes, you can imagine how mad I was... But oh well, overall, I had fun. Being there was more than enough to make me happy. And I think we all know why.

You're everything I ask for.