My fear is taking control

Im scared. Im scared that I cant become what you want me to be.


Im scared that I can't make you proud. Heck, Im scared I cant make ALL of you proud.

Making wishes might be pointless. But I still want to believe that there is a point in wishing on a shooting star, a birthday, or whatever occasion.

My fear is really taking control of my mind. Im scared of the future. And Im starting to want to live in the past. I dont know how to get rid of it. And I dont know whether getting rid of it will help.

Will getting rid of fear make things easier for me? Will I be able to do what you wish for me to do? I hope so. Because I know, I have to do it. Or else this wont work and it'll fall apart.

Paranoid? Maybe...

I wish everyone on Earth had more time. Time to do things they never got to do. Time to tell their loved ones how the feel. Time to enjoy life without a single worry. Time to make their lives better. Time to spend with their loved ones. Time to change for the better. Simply put, I wish everyone had more time.



It sucks to know that one day, your loved ones will have to leave you. You might not necessarily be left alone, but the ones that leave will leave a giant empty cave in your heart. When that happens, will you be able to withstand the pain and emptiness? I definitely wont be able to.



It sucks to know that one day, you will have to leave your loved ones for other loved ones. If possible, I never want to do that. But I know, the chances of that happening is almost zero. What if the loved ones you leave end up leaving this world while you weren't around? Would you regret your decision to leave them? Would you wish for more time to spend with them? Would you wish you got to at least say 'goodbye' to them? I would.



I wish I had more time. Because frankly, I need to change myself. How I deal with things. How I treat my own flesh and blood. How I treat my friends who I had been longing to make for so long.



So in conclusion. I would love to say that I love you guys. You know who you are. And I know, one day, I will say it to you in person. And I want you all to know, that I appreciate everything that all of you have ever done for me.

I wonder what's wrong with me... I worry about you so much.

And I always worry if Im good enough. Haha. Stupid right?

When you're not ok, I wish I could make your problems go away.

Yet it's very obvious that I can't.

How can I ever be what I wish to be for you?

Guess I'll just have to try harder.

I dont need a replay,

I just need the time of a replay.

Cant stay away from you

I have totally lost my voice for the time being... This throat infection is starting to piss me off. Im fine if I cough like some 90 year old dude, or if I cant sleep at night because of the coughing. BUT IT TOOK MY VOICE AWAY!!! ARGH!

Im pissed not because I cant talk, but because I cant sing nor could I shout back at my sister when she started throwing a fit at me over a small piece of cake... -.- So all I could do was just talk like normal and try to calm her down, which wasn't very useful. She ended up trying to destroy my lunch, which she didn't succeed at. I now wish she did though, because lunch was awful...

SO! Yesterday, I rushed back from Nilai to go to 2 Raya open houses. One was Yasmin's and the other Arshad's. Reached home at about 1.30 and I rushed everything. Cut myself twice or thrice while shaving.

So when I got to Yasmin's place, talked with her for awhile then Zoe and Esther popped up and Yasmin went to talk to some other friends. While the 3 of us were talking, I think Esther suddently asked: ' OMG! You both planned this out isit?!' Of course, I had no idea what they were talking about until Zoe pointed behind me. When I turned around, I saw her. This amazing beautiful girl who I am SO crazy about. It took me afew seconds to snap out of that dreamy state of mine. Haha. Then I realized what Esther meant... We were wearing the same color... Roughly lar...
BUT anyways. Victor kept annoying me at Yasmin's place. So after I ate, Rachel, Jo Yee and I took our leave. Sorry Yasmin for not staying longer. Would have stayed another 15-30 minutes, but Victor was annoying the crap out of me... Sorry...

So after Yasmin's place, the 3 of us went to Arshad's place. Got the same questions that I got at Yasmin's place... Ate abit, then went to the library. Played Monopoly City. Got quite bored because nobody really understood this game at all. The rules were slightly different and even though Arshad was playing, we had to depend on Gavin to explain to us bit by bit. I ended up being the only player without a property at a certain point for 3-4 turns... So yeah, I was the loser. We got bored of the game later on and stopped the game. In the end, we looked through some of Arshad's baby photos. SO CUTE!!! Like damn epicly cute. Right, Arshad? Hehe

Everyone went back before 6 except me... My mom took a whole hour to leave the house, so yes, you can imagine how mad I was... But oh well, overall, I had fun. Being there was more than enough to make me happy. And I think we all know why.

You're everything I ask for.

Which to read first?

So lately, I have been to 2 bookfairs. One is a stock clearance held by MPH. Another was at the KL Convention Centre held by Popular.

The first one was about 2 weeks ago? Went on a Monday afternoon. Bought at least 20 books there. FREAKING CHEAP! Ended up at about RM100.

Today though, I went for the Popular bookfair. The amount of people there was CRAZY! Seriously! Everyone was carrying basket, and everyone was trying to move in different directions. IT WAS CHAOS I TELL YOU!!!

But I came out alive and still happy. Finally got to buy The Inheritance Cycle. Or better known as Eragon etc... Got all 3, total up bout RM30. Sure the MPH one was much cheaper, but I couldn't find these there.

So Im actually enjoying myself by reading. Never thought there would be a day that my mom would spend so much on books for me to read and the books were my own choice. The total that my mom and I have spent on books within the past 2 weeks is at least RM1000. Haha. CRAZY!!!

When I see your face,

my heart stops beating.

ARGH!

Everything is being thrown at me in one go again...



When I first heard that the exams were being pushed to October, I was fairly happy. But now, not so... Adam Lambert is coming on the 14th. And 17th there's this competition... It's about time I told the world now...



Frankly speaking, I no longer have any interest in sparring anymore. All I want now, is to learn how to be a better teacher and maybe even learn the practical uses of Taekwondo as a martial arts. This thing has been bothering me since just before the JLK competition. I asked myself, is sparring really still what Im interested in? Then it came to me, sparring was never an interest. It always just a way to test myself and see how good I am... Now that I know that I can't really cant go far, what's the point?

I never realized this until tonight. I cause my own problems. Thinking back, I noticed that every single serious problem that I have ever had has ALWAYS been my own fault... And now this shit, is ALSO my fault... ARGH!!! I wish that my friends would just tell me straight in the face what their problems with me are... I am so definintely gonna cry myself to sleep tonight...

WOOO!!!!!

Well. My head's way up in the sky now. My only worry is that things will go wrong. Let's hope not.

So... A certain D found out from a certain E about me and my feelings... This certain D, slipped his tongue and caused a L in my class to find out too. Somehow, Chindians can read each other quite well... It's like my class' Chindians read each other damn well. We all practically know each other's crush/whatever you would call it. Haha. Problem is, one of the Chindians in my class, cant shut up and told the whole world... Got abit pissed at him.

So now about 60-70% of the guys in my class know about me... Which sucks cause Im just too obvious and I can't read anyone properly. IMAN! Teach me. Haha. And guess what? 30% of those guys tend to tease me... Which gets on my nerves VERY easily...

But it's okay... They cant get on my bad side cause Im too happy/carefree. EXCEPT! YOU! Stupid ass... You say that ONE more time, I WILL PERSONALLY SLAP YOU! I warned you this morning itself. So don't say I didn't warn you when you said that crap!

ANYWAYS! Next week should be a good week. Hopefully. Even though I REALLY need to plan out my time for my accounts project, everything should go fine. Considering that the exams have been pushed to October. Only problem about that is that Adam Lambert is coming on the 14 of October I believe. Which would potong me damn badly... SO! I hope for the best. Haha


SO! WATCH OUT! You bloody perverted ass... You say anything like that again, YOU ARE DEAD!

You're my MVP

It's gonna be a stressful year...

So yesterday, I was announced as the new president of the Taekwondo Club. I hate Pn Santi... And I dont care if I spelled her name wrongly... I didn't want the post...

My year next year is gonna be hard... Hopefully things work out...

Im literally on the brink of reaching for that bottle that's sitting there just to test me...

Have I ever mentioned that I hate it when I can't do anything to help my friends? I hate it even more when I get pissed at myself over not being able to help my friends. I hate it most when I realize that I almost never take care of my own problems before my friends' problems... Sucks when I know I should take care of my own problems but want to take care of others first...

Why do I do that? Cause helping my friends tends to give me an extremely good feeling about myself. But it sucks when trying to help backfires. Makes things much worse for everyone... Haiz...

Gotta find a way to fix things soon. Before I go crazy... Anyone care to help?